cookies

Adeline and her friends team up with Mamas for Obama

Fathers Day

Good Grief

Grief
by Matthew Dickman



When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla

you must count yourself lucky.

You must offer her what’s left

of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish

you must put aside,

and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,

her eyes moving from the clock

to the television and back again.

I am not afraid. She has been here before

and now I can recognize her gait

as she approaches the house.

Some nights, when I know she’s coming,

I unlock the door, lie down on my back,

and count her steps

from the street to the porch.

Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,

tells me to write down

everyone I have ever known,

and we separate them between the living and the dead

so she can pick each name at random.

I play her favorite Willie Nelson album

because she misses Texas

but I don’t ask why.

She hums a little,

the way my brother does when he gardens.

We sit for an hour

while she tells me how unreasonable I’ve been,

crying in the checkout line,

refusing to eat, refusing to shower,

all the smoking and all the drinking.

Eventually she puts one of her heavy

purple arms around me, leans

her head against mine,

and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.

So I tell her,

things are feeling romantic.

She pulls another name, this time

from the dead,

and turns to me in that way that parents do

so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.

Romantic? she says,

reading the name out loud, slowly,

so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel

wrapping around the bones like new muscle,

the sound of that person’s body

and how reckless it is,

how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

Found some old Quick Time

Found some old Quick Time

Wow, cool book.

Some 35mm. . . lost until now (summer 2004)

phone photos

Grief Is...

More than just a constellation of feelings in
response to a loss.

Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do
not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them
over years. We do not get over it, but instead go
through it, not just once, but as many times as we do.
Through grief we honor our losses and weave them into
tapestries of our lives so we can stay connected with
all we have loved and still continue to live on at the
same time. We do not honor the dead with funerals
alone; we honor them with our lives. Like love, grief
is timeless. Like love, you cannot predict exactly how
and when grief will manifest.

Grief changes form and eludes definition.

Grief is physical.

Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut,
squeezes your throat, winds everything up
breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you.

Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and
shallow like a scared rabbit.

Grief is lazy and lethargic.

Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that
cannot eat, and tears that will not dry.

Grief makes you feel weak, hollow, and threadbare.

Grief is clenching your teeth until you have a
headache that will not go away.

Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and
over again.

Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot
tell whether you are sick or depressed.

Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander
lost and aimless.

Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and
productivity that seem out of place.

Grief is rejecting the notion that someone is dead.

Grief is a calm sullen silence, a vacuum into which we
withdraw.

Grief is forgetting and then remembering again that
someone is really dead.

Grief is not being able to think about anything else.

Grief is dreaming about your loved one.

Grief is feeling their presence, seeing their face,
hearing their voice-even though they are dead-or being
frustrated because we cannot.

Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to
give up without a fight over something that is already
gone.

Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have
already happened, a barrage of what-if's and
if-only's.

Grief is a hope turned backwards in time.

Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it
means time is abandoning your loved one.

Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone.

Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers.

Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one
from this world.

Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the
pain and suffering they experienced.

Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death,
could not revert death, and cannot change death.

Grief is an accountability session.

Grief is damage control.

Grief is knowing we do not deserve to be alive any
more than our loved one deserves to be dead. Grief is
wondering why fate chose them and not us.

Grief is feeling guilty for moving on, guilty for
living, and guilty for enjoying life without them. Is
it irreverent to savor the foods they are no longer
here to enjoy? Is it disrespectful to have a good
belly laugh while mourning?

Grief is a sigh-a reluctant surrender to powers
greater than ours.

Grief is a radical depletion of will and inspiration.

Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and
collapsing onto the floor into despair.

Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own
snot and tears.

Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.

Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void
where a life once was.

Grief is a fear that life is all there is and it is
not enough.

Grief is fear of living with the loss and losing more.
Grief clings to what we love as if every good-bye is
the last. The imagination has a field day turning
every early morning or late night phone call into a
death notice and every rush-hour delay into a fatal
accident.

Grief is examining every relationship, turning it
upside down, considering its loss, and mourning it,
before we venture to engage more deeply.

Grief is choosing to endure loneliness and despair
over facing the fear of further loss.

Grief is coming to terms with the fact that we will
all die someday whether we share life or experience it
alone.

Grief is the identity crisis that ensues when we lose
those who help define who we are, how we live, and how
we relate to one another. And now that they are gone,
are we still the person they helped define? How do we
live? How do we relate? Certainly not the same. How
can I be a best friend if my best friend is dead? How
can I be a big sister if my little brother is dead?
How can I be a mother if I have no children left? How
can I be a son after my father dies? What am I to be
instead? Grief is an influx of freedom to re-create
the self as old expectations of who we once were fade.

Grief is sometimes a vow to fulfill wishes of the
dead.

Grief is panning through memories over and over
searching for jewels.

Grief is believing every pebble is a gem. Grief is
celebration.

Grief is saying thank you.

Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan.

Grief is a confession of regrets.

Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me.

Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't.

Grief is saying screw you for leaving me.

Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note,
a pin- into Sacred vestiges.

Grief is a moment frozen in time-a dead child's
bedroom that will never be cleaned, a shirt that will
never be washed, or a message on the answering machine
that will never be erased.

Grief is talking about your loved one again and again
and choosing to ignore those that roll their eyes.

Grief is avoiding the reminders and trying to forget.

Grief is clinging to the reminders and trying to
remember more.

Grief is recalling special moments and crying.

Grief is being able to remember the special moments
and smile instead of crying.

Grief is having a friend of your loved one pay a visit
and realizing after they leave that there was more to
your loved one than you ever knew.

Grief is being inspired to carry out the acts of
beauty and kindness that your loved one is no longer
here to deliver.

Grief is buying lunch for the homeless man you
normally ignore and sitting with him to eat because
you know it is something your loved one would have
done.

Grief is understanding your loved one more by being
more like them.

Grief is understanding that you can still get to know
someone even after they are dead.

Grief is wondering where your loved one really is and
if they can see you, hear you, or read your mind.
Grief is waving or calling to them just in case.

Grief is forging signs and symbols to replace the
words you can no longer share.

Grief is knowing the rainbow that should now
scientifically exist on a Cloudy day is a message to
you saying "I exist."

Grief is hearing that special song on the radio and
knowing your loved one is with you.

Grief is sitting in bed crying in the middle of the
night saying God I miss you. Please, if you are there,
give me a sign and hearing a bird sing a happy tune in
the darkness and knowing that song was your answer.

Grief is discovering pieces of what was lost in places
you do not expect.

Grief is looking at the sunset and knowing it is extra
beautiful because your loved one is a part of it and a
part of Creation than the scope of your contemplation.

Grief is grasping opportunities to connect, to share,
and to care that you might have otherwise left for
tomorrow because you are ever mindful now that there
may be no tomorrow.

Grief is being able to distinguish better what is
really important and meaningful after all is said and
done and choosing to do more of it.

Grief is the yearning, the reaching, and the
unrequited love that hides behind our losses.

Grief is a tribute to the depth of your love.



...Author Unknown

enjoy this

cool

photos from my phone

From my sister Annie

Hi brother. I came across something yesterday that made me think of you. A journal entry from October 1st 2005:

I had a dream about Becca last night. We were hanging out, like now...after she had died...walking, almost like through pictures of the past, talking and reminiscing. I told her all about what we did when we all got together...how we all hung out, went to Disneyland...and she thought it was so great and I remember being so happy with her next to me and that we hugged - I remember her arms being soft and her voice being happy. And I feel like in some way that it was real. I don't know, but sometimes I feel closer to her now than I ever have, which sounds weird, but I don't know, I do. And Pat, before I left L.A., hugged me and told me that when I was having a hard time to talk to her...that she's still around and that she loves to help people...and I have, talked to her I think, in my own way. I hope she knows I love her and that she goes on in a lot of ways through everyone that she touched. All the crappy stuff from before has just melted away, which makes me feel so certain that she's in a good place.



love you brother, and can't wait to see you....

Thanks Annie......I love you

click the widget

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

Many of you have had questions about and expressed interest in Adeline's Education Fund. On behalf of myself and Adeline I would like to thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and generosity in remembrance of her mother Becca. I'm hopeful this letter answers some of the questions you might have.

A "529" Plan was established by my mom and dad, Kemper and Peggy Wilkins, on August 24th, 2005. The designation "529" refers to section 529 of the Internal Revenue Code. In essence, it allows for funds to be deposited and invested for the beneficiary (in this case Adeline) without negative tax consequences.

Under Current law, federal income tax on invested earnings are deferred and free from federal income tax if withdrawals are used to pay for higher education costs. These generally include tuition, fees, books, supplies and equipment required for the beneficiary's enrollment or attendance at an institution of higher education.

The Fund's Program Manager is Union Bank and Trust Company of Lincoln, Nebraska. . . Acclaimed as one of the top Program Managers in the country. For more information regarding details of the plan please refer to www.planforcollegenow.com.

An aged-based growth portfolio has been selected for the plan's investments. The current target asset allocation and investment mix is 80% stock or equity investment funds and 20% fixed-income mutual funds. As Adeline nears college age, the equity or stock allocation will decrease, and the money market and fixed-income allocation will increase.

Currently for the convenience of interested parties, anyone can make a contribution to the account and there are no minimums or annual fee requirements to maintain the fund. If there is a desire on anyone's part to do so, contributions can be made either at the Chip-in website (via PayPal) or mailed to:

College savings Plan FBO: Adeline P. Wilkins
Union Bank and Trust Company, Program Manager
Account #10057181
P.O. Box 82535
Lincoln, NE 68501

Again, we thank you for your kindness, thoughtfulness, prayers, good vibes, and generosity,

Sincerely,

Patrick

cornpatrick@gmail.com

YEP, FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN

first day of kindergarten

first day of kindergarten

first day of kindergarten

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
not fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
e. e. cummings
1958

Love, Your Mama

Apologies to everyone who comes to the blog. . . I haven't felt up to posting anything here in months. A lot has happened this year. Feeling overwhelmed.

The short version. . .

Adeline and I moved back to Los Angeles.
Living with Becca's mom until we find a place.
Adeline starts school in the fall.

The following is an email Becca sent to Adeline June 11th 2005.
Becca was seeking healing in Brazil with John of God. . .

Adeline,
I love you so much.
I miss you more than anything in the world!
I think of you and when I lie under the crystals, I go to you in your dreams and I hold you and you nurse and we look into eachothers eyes, as you soften into bliss.
I come to you when I am asleep at night.
I tell the entities to bring you healing of heart and soul so that you will not hurt too much while I am away.
Please know that even though this journey has only just begun, I am healing well and this will give us a lifetime to be together.
Tell your Papa I love him and we will talk on the phone soon.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath and come to me.
We can dance together even when we are apart.
Love,
Your Mama

Happy Birthday Becca 12/27/73

Tonight I'd like you to rock me to sleep,
I'd like you to sing me a song.
I'm tired of trying to figure things out,

I'm tired of being so strong...









Please post your birthday wishes below.

Dream, a little dream. . .

Kids

Things and stuff.

A dream will spark a memory or vice versa. Vivid feelings connected to her arrive in waves. Storms. I'll find notes she’s written folded neatly inside of books. I'll stumble (I always stumble) into a box. I'll find things. Stuff. Things that were just things before. Treasures now. Real treasures. A scarf. A brush. A ring. A photograph. A shirt. A smell. You know that smell, it's her. A treasure, a real treasure. Thank you Becca.

Oh happy day

Adeline wanted to go to "ballet dance school class", I said sure. Every parent believed they had the most darling girl in class. We are all correct. The place even smelled cute. I'm on the fast track to becoming a soccer mom.

Bubble Wrap

Adeline Wilkins, 3, of Lincoln, was in a world of her own recently down in the the historic Haymarket. A pair of artists set up this bubblewrap art on the sidewalk and over their cars. The they set up video cameras to monitor people's reaction to the display. Some avoided it; some walked on it; and some piled on top of the cars. Adeline jumped and ran and popped as many of the plastic bubbles as she could. At left is Michaela Valentin, Lincoln, and Toni Merritt, Minden, who chose to perch on the trunk and pop the bubbles. (photo by Bruce Thorson, NewsNetNebraska)

more photos comming soon

light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are embedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~
I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

- Unknown

THANK YOU APRIL

April,
Thanks so much. Your message came (as most things seem to) at the perfect moment. It is nice feel your support. Please stay in contact.

Love and light to you too...
-Patrick

Becca, you rock.

Thanks Jeff for your blog-post last August. . .Found it today. . .Feeling Becca's presence.

You too rock.

HOT DOG CLUB IS A CLUB! FOR HOT DOGS!

ADELINE CAN PUT AWAY AS MANY AS ONE MUDDY HOT DOGS.

*Another gift

(*photo-First night of childbirth education class.)

I found another letter from Becca today (fathers day). Feeling close, feeling sadness, feeling feeling, feeling........

Hi sweeties! I love you so much. There are so many things I want to tell you, but my thoughts are so fleeting-it is hard to keep track of it all. I love how much you love me. I am so lucky to have such a present, and sensitive husband. You always care and want the best for me. I am so lucky……. You put pictures of me on your computer. So many women would love to have their husbands want to look at them every time they are on the computer. We have our inside jokes, and I giggle to myself about them when we are apart. You crack me up like no one else can. I love your humor, and have the best time hanging out with you. I love the way you love Champa. You are so gentle and loving and have such fun with him. I love to watch you together. And, I can’t even imagine how I will feel watching you with our child! I think I will cry, laugh, explode with joy at that sight. Thank you for all your hard work. You are so strong and dedicated to our life. I appreciate all that you do. Don’t worry sweeties, you won’t always have a crappy job! I promise you. Thank you for being the kind of husband that goes to all the prenatal visits with me. You are so involved in our pregnancy and that is so rare. I needed that. I need you. You are going to be amazing during our babies birth. You are going to make an amazing father. You are already an amazing husband. There was a thought that started this whole thing, and I can't seem to remember what it was…….it was full of love and pure admiration for you my sweet, dear husband Patrick. I love you so much. You are my best friend. Thank you for giving me the best years of my life. I look forward to a lifetime (and beyond and beyond) of experiences together. Thank you for our baby. I love you always! ~Becca