BACK TO ONE

cookies

2008-10-15T03:11:00.001-05:00

Adeline and her friends team up with Mamas for Obama

Fathers Day

2008-06-16T12:35:00.002-05:00

Good Grief

2008-05-23T12:33:00.003-05:00

Grief
by Matthew Dickman

When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla

you must count yourself lucky.

You must offer her what’s left

of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish

you must put aside,

and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,

her eyes moving from the clock

to the television and back again.

I am not afraid. She has been here before

and now I can recognize her gait

as she approaches the house.

Some nights, when I know she’s coming,

I unlock the door, lie down on my back,

and count her steps

from the street to the porch.

Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,

tells me to write down

everyone I have ever known,

and we separate them between the living and the dead

so she can pick each name at random.

I play her favorite Willie Nelson album

because she misses Texas

but I don’t ask why.

She hums a little,

the way my brother does when he gardens.

We sit for an hour

while she tells me how unreasonable I’ve been,

crying in the checkout line,

refusing to eat, refusing to shower,

all the smoking and all the drinking.

Eventually she puts one of her heavy

purple arms around me, leans

her head against mine,

and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.

So I tell her,

things are feeling romantic.

She pulls another name, this time

from the dead,

and turns to me in that way that parents do

so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.

Romantic? she says,

reading the name out loud, slowly,

so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel

wrapping around the bones like new muscle,

the sound of that person’s body

and how reckless it is,

how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

Found some old Quick Time

2008-05-20T14:06:00.003-05:00

Found some old Quick Time

2008-05-20T12:50:00.001-05:00

Wow, cool book.

2008-05-20T12:47:00.002-05:00

Some 35mm. . . lost until now (summer 2004)

2008-03-23T22:50:00.008-05:00

phone photos

2008-03-23T22:44:00.004-05:00

2008-03-04T11:46:00.005-06:00

Grief Is...

More than just a constellation of feelings in
response to a loss.

Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do
not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them
over years. We do not get over it, but instead go
through it, not just once, but as many times as we do.
Through grief we honor our losses and weave them into
tapestries of our lives so we can stay connected with
all we have loved and still continue to live on at the
same time. We do not honor the dead with funerals
alone; we honor them with our lives. Like love, grief
is timeless. Like love, you cannot predict exactly how
and when grief will manifest.

Grief changes form and eludes definition.

Grief is physical.

Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut,
squeezes your throat, winds everything up
breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you.

Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and
shallow like a scared rabbit.

Grief is lazy and lethargic.

Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that
cannot eat, and tears that will not dry.

Grief makes you feel weak, hollow, and threadbare.

Grief is clenching your teeth until you have a
headache that will not go away.

Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and
over again.

Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot
tell whether you are sick or depressed.

Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander
lost and aimless.

Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and
productivity that seem out of place.

Grief is rejecting the notion that someone is dead.

Grief is a calm sullen silence, a vacuum into which we
withdraw.

Grief is forgetting and then remembering again that
someone is really dead.

Grief is not being able to think about anything else.

Grief is dreaming about your loved one.

Grief is feeling their presence, seeing their face,
hearing their voice-even though they are dead-or being
frustrated because we cannot.

Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to
give up without a fight over something that is already
gone.

Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have
already happened, a barrage of what-if's and
if-only's.

Grief is a hope turned backwards in time.

Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it
means time is abandoning your loved one.

Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone.

Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers.

Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one
from this world.

Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the
pain and suffering they experienced.

Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death,
could not revert death, and cannot change death.

Grief is an accountability session.

Grief is damage control.

Grief is knowing we do not deserve to be alive any
more than our loved one deserves to be dead. Grief is
wondering why fate chose them and not us.

Grief is feeling guilty for moving on, guilty for
living, and guilty for enjoying life without them. Is
it irreverent to savor the foods they are no longer
here to enjoy? Is it disrespectful to have a good
belly laugh while mourning?

Grief is a sigh-a reluctant surrender to powers
greater than ours.

Grief is a radical depletion of will and inspiration.

Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and
collapsing onto the floor into despair.

Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own
snot and tears.

Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.

Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void
where a life once was.

Grief is a fear that life is all there is and it is
not enough.

Grief is fear of living with the loss and losing more.
Grief clings to what we love as if every good-bye is
the last. The imagination has a field day turning
every early morning or late night phone call into a
death notice and every rush-hour delay into a fatal
accident.

Grief is examining every relationship, turning it
upside down, considering its loss, and mourning it,
before we venture to engage more deeply.

Grief is choosing to endure loneliness and despair
over facing the fear of further loss.

Grief is coming to terms with the fact that we will
all die someday whether we share life or experience it
alone.

Grief is the identity crisis that ensues when we lose
those who help define who we are, how we live, and how
we relate to one another. And now that they are gone,
are we still the person they helped define? How do we
live? How do we relate? Certainly not the same. How
can I be a best friend if my best friend is dead? How
can I be a big sister if my little brother is dead?
How can I be a mother if I have no children left? How
can I be a son after my father dies? What am I to be
instead? Grief is an influx of freedom to re-create
the self as old expectations of who we once were fade.

Grief is sometimes a vow to fulfill wishes of the
dead.

Grief is panning through memories over and over
searching for jewels.

Grief is believing every pebble is a gem. Grief is
celebration.

Grief is saying thank you.

Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan.

Grief is a confession of regrets.

Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me.

Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't.

Grief is saying screw you for leaving me.

Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note,
a pin- into Sacred vestiges.

Grief is a moment frozen in time-a dead child's
bedroom that will never be cleaned, a shirt that will
never be washed, or a message on the answering machine
that will never be erased.

Grief is talking about your loved one again and again
and choosing to ignore those that roll their eyes.

Grief is avoiding the reminders and trying to forget.

Grief is clinging to the reminders and trying to
remember more.

Grief is recalling special moments and crying.

Grief is being able to remember the special moments
and smile instead of crying.

Grief is having a friend of your loved one pay a visit
and realizing after they leave that there was more to
your loved one than you ever knew.

Grief is being inspired to carry out the acts of
beauty and kindness that your loved one is no longer
here to deliver.

Grief is buying lunch for the homeless man you
normally ignore and sitting with him to eat because
you know it is something your loved one would have
done.

Grief is understanding your loved one more by being
more like them.

Grief is understanding that you can still get to know
someone even after they are dead.

Grief is wondering where your loved one really is and
if they can see you, hear you, or read your mind.
Grief is waving or calling to them just in case.

Grief is forging signs and symbols to replace the
words you can no longer share.

Grief is knowing the rainbow that should now
scientifically exist on a Cloudy day is a message to
you saying "I exist."

Grief is hearing that special song on the radio and
knowing your loved one is with you.

Grief is sitting in bed crying in the middle of the
night saying God I miss you. Please, if you are there,
give me a sign and hearing a bird sing a happy tune in
the darkness and knowing that song was your answer.

Grief is discovering pieces of what was lost in places
you do not expect.

Grief is looking at the sunset and knowing it is extra
beautiful because your loved one is a part of it and a
part of Creation than the scope of your contemplation.

Grief is grasping opportunities to connect, to share,
and to care that you might have otherwise left for
tomorrow because you are ever mindful now that there
may be no tomorrow.

Grief is being able to distinguish better what is
really important and meaningful after all is said and
done and choosing to do more of it.

Grief is the yearning, the reaching, and the
unrequited love that hides behind our losses.

Grief is a tribute to the depth of your love.

...Author Unknown

enjoy this

2008-02-19T17:05:00.001-06:00

cool

2008-02-18T23:02:00.000-06:00

photos from my phone

2008-02-17T17:08:00.010-06:00

From my sister Annie

2007-12-10T11:12:00.000-06:00

Hi brother. I came across something yesterday that made me think of you. A journal entry from October 1st 2005:

I had a dream about Becca last night. We were hanging out, like now...after she had died...walking, almost like through pictures of the past, talking and reminiscing. I told her all about what we did when we all got together...how we all hung out, went to Disneyland...and she thought it was so great and I remember being so happy with her next to me and that we hugged - I remember her arms being soft and her voice being happy. And I feel like in some way that it was real. I don't know, but sometimes I feel closer to her now than I ever have, which sounds weird, but I don't know, I do. And Pat, before I left L.A., hugged me and told me that when I was having a hard time to talk to her...that she's still around and that she loves to help people...and I have, talked to her I think, in my own way. I hope she knows I love her and that she goes on in a lot of ways through everyone that she touched. All the crappy stuff from before has just melted away, which makes me feel so certain that she's in a good place.

love you brother, and can't wait to see you....

Thanks Annie......I love you

click the widget

2007-10-22T11:11:00.000-05:00

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

Many of you have had questions about and expressed interest in Adeline's Education Fund. On behalf of myself and Adeline I would like to thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and generosity in remembrance of her mother Becca. I'm hopeful this letter answers some of the questions you might have.

A "529" Plan was established by my mom and dad, Kemper and Peggy Wilkins, on August 24th, 2005. The designation "529" refers to section 529 of the Internal Revenue Code. In essence, it allows for funds to be deposited and invested for the beneficiary (in this case Adeline) without negative tax consequences.

Under Current law, federal income tax on invested earnings are deferred and free from federal income tax if withdrawals are used to pay for higher education costs. These generally include tuition, fees, books, supplies and equipment required for the beneficiary's enrollment or attendance at an institution of higher education.

The Fund's Program Manager is Union Bank and Trust Company of Lincoln, Nebraska. . . Acclaimed as one of the top Program Managers in the country. For more information regarding details of the plan please refer to www.planforcollegenow.com.

An aged-based growth portfolio has been selected for the plan's investments. The current target asset allocation and investment mix is 80% stock or equity investment funds and 20% fixed-income mutual funds. As Adeline nears college age, the equity or stock allocation will decrease, and the money market and fixed-income allocation will increase.

Currently for the convenience of interested parties, anyone can make a contribution to the account and there are no minimums or annual fee requirements to maintain the fund. If there is a desire on anyone's part to do so, contributions can be made either at the Chip-in website (via PayPal) or mailed to:

College savings Plan FBO: Adeline P. Wilkins
Union Bank and Trust Company, Program Manager
Account #10057181
P.O. Box 82535
Lincoln, NE 68501

Again, we thank you for your kindness, thoughtfulness, prayers, good vibes, and generosity,

Sincerely,

Patrick

cornpatrick@gmail.com

YEP, FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN

2007-09-08T23:09:00.000-05:00

first day of kindergarten

2007-09-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

first day of kindergarten

2007-09-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

first day of kindergarten

2007-09-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

i carry your heart

2007-07-07T11:11:00.000-05:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
not fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
e. e. cummings
1958

Love, Your Mama

2007-04-28T06:01:00.000-05:00

Apologies to everyone who comes to the blog. . . I haven't felt up to posting anything here in months. A lot has happened this year. Feeling overwhelmed.

The short version. . .

Adeline and I moved back to Los Angeles.
Living with Becca's mom until we find a place.
Adeline starts school in the fall.

The following is an email Becca sent to Adeline June 11th 2005.
Becca was seeking healing in Brazil with John of God. . .

Adeline,
I love you so much.
I miss you more than anything in the world!
I think of you and when I lie under the crystals, I go to you in your dreams and I hold you and you nurse and we look into eachothers eyes, as you soften into bliss.
I come to you when I am asleep at night.
I tell the entities to bring you healing of heart and soul so that you will not hurt too much while I am away.
Please know that even though this journey has only just begun, I am healing well and this will give us a lifetime to be together.
Tell your Papa I love him and we will talk on the phone soon.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath and come to me.
We can dance together even when we are apart.
Love,
Your Mama

Happy Birthday Becca 12/27/73

2006-12-27T11:11:00.000-06:00

Tonight I'd like you to rock me to sleep,
I'd like you to sing me a song.
I'm tired of trying to figure things out,

I'm tired of being so strong...

Please post your birthday wishes below.

Dream, a little dream. . .

2006-12-14T00:04:00.000-06:00

Kids

2006-11-15T15:32:00.000-06:00

Things and stuff.

2006-10-16T23:41:00.000-05:00

A dream will spark a memory or vice versa. Vivid feelings connected to her arrive in waves. Storms. I'll find notes she’s written folded neatly inside of books. I'll stumble (I always stumble) into a box. I'll find things. Stuff. Things that were just things before. Treasures now. Real treasures. A scarf. A brush. A ring. A photograph. A shirt. A smell. You know that smell, it's her. A treasure, a real treasure. Thank you Becca.

Oh happy day

2006-10-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

Adeline wanted to go to "ballet dance school class", I said sure. Every parent believed they had the most darling girl in class. We are all correct. The place even smelled cute. I'm on the fast track to becoming a soccer mom.

Bubble Wrap

2006-09-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Adeline Wilkins, 3, of Lincoln, was in a world of her own recently down in the the historic Haymarket. A pair of artists set up this bubblewrap art on the sidewalk and over their cars. The they set up video cameras to monitor people's reaction to the display. Some avoided it; some walked on it; and some piled on top of the cars. Adeline jumped and ran and popped as many of the plastic bubbles as she could. At left is Michaela Valentin, Lincoln, and Toni Merritt, Minden, who chose to perch on the trunk and pop the bubbles. (photo by Bruce Thorson, NewsNetNebraska)

more photos comming soon

2006-08-24T23:48:00.000-05:00

light

2006-07-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are embedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~
I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

- Unknown

THANK YOU APRIL

2006-07-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

April,
Thanks so much. Your message came (as most things seem to) at the perfect moment. It is nice feel your support. Please stay in contact.

Love and light to you too...
-Patrick

Becca, you rock.

2006-07-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks Jeff for your blog-post last August. . .Found it today. . .Feeling Becca's presence.

You too rock.

HOT DOG CLUB IS A CLUB! FOR HOT DOGS!

2006-06-30T16:32:00.000-05:00

ADELINE CAN PUT AWAY AS MANY AS ONE MUDDY HOT DOGS.

*Another gift

2006-06-18T23:11:00.000-05:00

(*photo-First night of childbirth education class.)

I found another letter from Becca today (fathers day). Feeling close, feeling sadness, feeling feeling, feeling........

Hi sweeties! I love you so much. There are so many things I want to tell you, but my thoughts are so fleeting-it is hard to keep track of it all. I love how much you love me. I am so lucky to have such a present, and sensitive husband. You always care and want the best for me. I am so lucky……. You put pictures of me on your computer. So many women would love to have their husbands want to look at them every time they are on the computer. We have our inside jokes, and I giggle to myself about them when we are apart. You crack me up like no one else can. I love your humor, and have the best time hanging out with you. I love the way you love Champa. You are so gentle and loving and have such fun with him. I love to watch you together. And, I can’t even imagine how I will feel watching you with our child! I think I will cry, laugh, explode with joy at that sight. Thank you for all your hard work. You are so strong and dedicated to our life. I appreciate all that you do. Don’t worry sweeties, you won’t always have a crappy job! I promise you. Thank you for being the kind of husband that goes to all the prenatal visits with me. You are so involved in our pregnancy and that is so rare. I needed that. I need you. You are going to be amazing during our babies birth. You are going to make an amazing father. You are already an amazing husband. There was a thought that started this whole thing, and I can't seem to remember what it was…….it was full of love and pure admiration for you my sweet, dear husband Patrick. I love you so much. You are my best friend. Thank you for giving me the best years of my life. I look forward to a lifetime (and beyond and beyond) of experiences together. Thank you for our baby. I love you always! ~Becca

*AT THE FARM

2006-05-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

Click on the egg & see adeline at the farm...

*SEPARATE PIECE

2006-05-15T15:17:00.000-05:00

Paddy Wilkins will be performing his solo theater pieces at The Loft At the Mill on May 18,19, & 20th at 7pm. The evening'ss entertainment includes live music with Rob Hawkins of The Golden Age, Performance pepieces written by Jim Hanna, Paul Schackman, and Mathais Svalina. General admission 10$ or 5$ for students. Come, enjoy some wine before and after the performance, walk through the gallery space have a pleasurable theatre experience. Dare ya.

*ROOM TONE

2006-03-14T17:54:00.000-06:00

My brother's moving experiment in montage storytelling takes a while to load and is worth it.

*LETS REWIND A BIT

2006-03-13T23:01:00.000-06:00

This is Becca's story of her birthing experience. All her life Becca had a very strong desire to have a baby. For years she researched childbirth, talked about childbirth, danced, meditated, and empowered herself. Throughout every setback she persivered and found her way. She was my greatest teacher. This was her work. She did it well, she gave me Adeline and she gave me a life. Thank you Becca. . .

1/5/2003

Well, my darling child is finally here. This is her birth story!

I woke up on Saturday, Nov. 30th, with very strong pain in my left hip. I had felt it throughout the night, but by 6 AM it became very intense. For some reason this let me know that something was happening. I went to the bathroom and there was a little blood. This confirmed my suspicion. All I could think to do in my drowsy state was take a walk. I felt as though I was in a dream of sorts. My senses were totally heightened, and I watched the sunrise and all life began to wake. When I returned home, my husband Patrick started to fill the birthing tub. He was working to get everything in order, even though he didn’t fully believe it was happening. A little later I needed to walk again. This seemed to be the only thing I felt like doing. My contractions really started coming on, and this walk was a little harder on me. I decided to call the midwife and she didn’t believe I was in labor either. This was about a week before my edd. She timed my contractions over the phone and they were still quite sporadic. They began to hurt me though, and I started to have a hard time with them. I called my mom and my friend and told them to come over. I knew I was in early labor, but I couldn’t seem to get into a rhythm. I was still fighting the pain. (This is my first baby.) At about 2 PM the other midwife came to check me. I was only 2 CM, and she said to tell everyone to go home because I wasn’t concentrating enough. She also recommended we take an hour long walk. So we did and I walked the hills around my house. This was really helpful. It felt so good to have something to do during a contraction. I walked right through them. By the end, I was exhausted though.
Patrick and I decided to get some rest. He was so tired and it looked like we had a while to go still. He fell fast asleep, while I lay in fetal position and breathed through my increasing contractions. They were now stronger than ever, and I had to focus so deeply within. I went on a spiritual journey and talked with my body and my baby about opening and getting ready for the big event. This was a very intense time for me. I think that this is when I fully made the commitment to do this birth with strength and grace all at the same time. I really wanted to bring my child into the world in the healthiest way possible. After a few hours, I felt like I needed something else to do. I just couldn’t keep on in bed anymore. I woke my husband and said I wanted to take a shower. When I got up, my water broke. It was now 5:30 PM. I took a shower and then finally called the midwife. They were about a half hour away at another laboring woman’s house. Then they needed to check on a baby that was born the day before, so they would be awhile. They said to take another walk. So we did and I could barely make it to the end of the block. I was not able to talk either. I had hand signals for Patrick. I needed to get back home and so badly wanted to get in the birthing tub. My midwife recommended I not get in until I was at least 5 CM, and I had no idea where I was at so I didn’t get in. They finally arrived at 9 PM and when they checked, I was 8CM. Yipee!!!!! This was such a relief to hear. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go. My bag of waters still needed to break more, so they did that with the next strong contraction and I got in the tub! FINALLY! My back pain immediately disappeared, and I felt weightless. I was so glad we had this tub! It took a few very intense contractions and I was 10CM. I hit transition and it scared me for a moment. My midwife immediately let me know I would want to push soon. Hearing this calmed me, and I was able to focus on the next stage.
The next 25 minutes are a blur. The midwife sat on the outside of the tub and leaned her head into mine. She whispered in my ear and even though I have no recollection of what she said, I remember how comforting she was. I asked my nervous, sweet husband to get in the tub with me. He was so busy running around taking pictures and setting up the video camera. I needed him to hold me while I moved our child into the world. A force of nature moved through me and I began to push with each contraction. In some ways this felt less painful than early labor. I guess that all the right hormones were released just in time. But this was also the most unbelievable sensation I have ever felt. The most intense! It was as if the Universe was moving through me. Like I was this vessel in which life was born- and I was! This was also the most empowering feeling in the world. To move a baby through you…down and out…to expand so wide…to soften and let go…is beyond words! She crowned and I reached down to feel her head. This was such a beautiful feeling. She was soft and squishy and I took my husbands hand to feel for himself. He began to cry. She was near and this gave me strength to continue.
This was a timeless experience. It was neither long nor short. I kept talking to my body and my baby, telling them to open and move down. The sooner we did this we could be together. And before I knew it my midwives told me to reach down and pull my baby out. I didn’t hear them the first time, but quickly reached down and grabbed my baby and pulled her up to my chest. She felt so small. I was instantly in love. I woke from my trance the minute she was in my arms. My husband was holding me, holding our new baby! We were now a family. A perfect moment indeed. After we sat loving her for at least 5 minutes it occurred to me that we didn’t know the baby’s sex yet! We were so sure we were having a boy the whole pregnancy that I guess we just assumed it was a boy. But when we looked we were pleasantly surprised to find out we had a daughter. We both secretly wanted a daughter. Adeline Prae was born 10:15 PM, November 30th. She weighed 8 lbs, 8 oz. 21.5 inches long.
I got out of the tub and onto the bed to deliver the placenta. It took me to nurse her to get it to come out. We let the cord pulse for a while and then my husband cut the cord. I drank a protein shake and was in heaven. I just nursed my daughter and stared at her, and thanked my wonderful midwives, and loved my Patrick.
He called my family and told them they could come over. The midwives left just as they arrived. They made me fresh vegetable soup and we talked and loved the new addition to our family. After they left, Patrick and I lay in bed with our Adeline sleeping between us and just stared at her. We smiled and laughed and stared. She was so beautiful. So perfect. And she gave us a big smile as she slept. She seemed so peaceful and content. She looked happy to be with us.
Now as I look back, I see what a great birth it was. I am proud to have had a home birth. I am glad to have given that to our child. Now, 5 weeks later she is calm and happy. She is all smiles and has even let out a few laughs. Her body is relaxed and she sleeps really well. I attribute a lot of this to the way she entered into the world.
I feel so blessed.

*ADELINE MY HEART

2006-02-26T11:36:00.000-06:00

* images to share

2006-02-25T18:40:00.000-06:00

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA

2005-12-27T11:11:00.000-06:00

ME: Anything you want me to type here for Mamas birthday?
ADELINE: Yea, how bout I love you. Say um-happy birthday. Where's the words coming from? Please check the owie mama. It's Christmas time. I love you mama. You are in the world. Know that mama? I love you. One two three for five six seven thirteen nineteen eighteen. I'm gonna be so gentle. My papa didn’t worry, my papa didn’t worry. It’s only the way. It's only the way. Sunny way. It's sunny way. I'm singing...One two three four. You have appointment. Appointment means you tickle nothing. You have a beautiful mind, you have a beautiful mind, you have a beautiful mind, loopa dumpa hoompa doompa. Is this a fun day I'm doing? I like your legs and your arms. Loop shrimp. You are cute. Me my mo mind. You are cute. Watch a movie. I can't see mama. Watch a movie. You are cute. I love you with shrimp in our bodies.

*COLD & FUN SEASON

2005-12-06T12:26:00.000-06:00

She looked like that kid in Christmas Story

*HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

2005-12-02T12:06:00.000-06:00

*FAVORITE BIRTHDAY PHOTO

2005-12-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

*Today it's snowing

2005-12-01T00:31:00.000-06:00

And I'm feeling happy about it.

*THIS JUST IN

2005-12-01T00:03:00.001-06:00

Adeline is three. Pictures to prove it are here.
I found glitter in my ear today.

*ADELINE IS TURNING THREE

2005-11-12T16:03:00.000-06:00

On November 30th. . . Her partry is Sunday the 27th. If you are in Lincoln please stop by. . . Post a comment if you would like to attend.
*UPDATE: Good news, rumor has it that Nana may be here to celebrate Addy Prays B-day!

*ADELINE (some photos to share)

2005-11-11T13:34:00.000-06:00

*TODAY IS . . .

2005-11-11T11:11:00.000-06:00

eleven eleven. . . if you know what i mean. . .

*Found this letter today...Feeling very sad and very loved...I miss you Beautiful Becca.

2005-11-09T12:52:00.000-06:00

OCTOBER 17, 04
Dear Oprah,
I am writing you regarding my husband Patrick, and my wish to grant him, his wildest dreams come true. We have been through so much together and I would like to be able to show him my gratitude. (In order to keep it as short and simple as possible, I will have to leave out some important details.) Here is our story. I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma 8 years ago when I was 22 years old. It was a horrible experience. 4 years later I met Patrick, and we fell in love immediately. Soon after, my melanoma returned. I was 3 months pregnant, but went through with the surgery. Again, I had such a traumatic experience, I ended up losing my baby. We were devastated. Patrick proposed, and we were married Dec. 2, 2000. It was the best day of or lives. He loved me more than anything and through anything. In the year after we were married, I began to feel safe for the first time in my life. I had a tumultuous childhood and though I had done a lot of healing, I had never really known love like this before. So I began to have memories of being sexually abused as a small child. This was a horrible time and took it’s toll on Patrick, as he became the brunt of my anger and fear. It took time, but we worked through this and fell deeper in love as a result. I felt in awe that a man would stick it out with me through such hard times. Little did I know that this was only the beginning. My cancer returned with a vengeance. Again we were pregnant, and they urged me to abort. I felt crushed. I just wanted to be a normal, young newlywed and have the baby I always wanted. The doctors were abusive and killed any sense of power or hope that I struggled to hold on to. I again miscarried due to the stress, and felt defeated. I have always been spiritual, sensitive, and very intuitive. I now felt so low, but somehow I managed to find the strength to heal myself of my cancer. Patrick was totally supportive and we bagan a rigorous schedule of acupuncture 6 days a week, saw as many “healers” as possible, psychotherapy, dance therapy, a macrobiotic diet, and a lot of crying. Patrick took it upon himself to raise the money to support my path. He is a very talented actor, but because I was always going through so much, he ended up putting most of his career on hold. So we live quite modestly. He reached out to the community and together they raised about $25,000. Just enough to pay for all my medical and acupuncture bills. 3 months later my cancer was gone. I could not have done it without the love and support of my husband. A year later I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Adeline. We finally felt some relief. But when Adeline turned 1 1/2, my cancer returned again. This time I had 2 very large tumors in my pelvis. I was crushed. I thought I was done with my cancer for good. I decided to do a combination of natural healing and western medicine. I had major surgery 12 days ago, and feel better every day. This has caused our family tremendous stress though. My husband has been through so much hardship, and we haven’t even been married 4 years yet. And my daughter was nursing up until the surgery and we had never been apart. So this has also taken it’s toll on her, of course. And now we are losing our home. We have a small 1 bedroom apartment but we like it because it’s rent controlled and 5 blocks from the beach. Our landlord wants to fumigate (tent) due to termites. I cannot come back into such a chemically toxic environment, nor would we bring our child into one. We researched healthier alternatives that have great result, but our landlord wouldn’t budge. I have a bankruptcy due to all my overwhelming medical expenses, and Patrick keeps deferring his student loans, so our credit is poor. We are having a hard time finding someone to lease us a new place. Plus, the rents are so outrageous in Los Angeles, we really can’t afford them anyway. So, are forced to move in with my mom. This has crushed Patrick’s ego, which has already been damaged through the years.
My wish is to give him a house of his own. A place with a yard for our daughter to play. I know this is big to ask, but he deserves it more than anyone. He has sacrificed his life for mine. He has given me everything and more. His whole world revolves around Adeline and I. It is time for Patrick to feel special and know that his work has not gone unnoticed.
If by some chance, you choose to help us, I would like to surprise him. So I will give you my cell phone and my mom’s email and cell phone # as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for all the good that you do.

With love,

Becca E. Wilkins

*Email from Tifanie Chaney

2005-11-07T15:22:00.000-06:00

What a pumpkin. She's going to be three, isn't she? God. She looks just like you and Becca. She's so beautiful... I miss you guys. I miss Becca. She had a profound, profound impact on my life. I will always carry her with me. She was one of the most incredible people I ever met. She was at my wedding, you know. I wasn't sure she'd be able to make it. Then I was walking down the aisle and... I was doing fine. Quite composed. And then I saw Becca standing there and she was smiling and crying. And then I started to cry!

...I just loved her so much. I'm so glad I got to know her. And sooo glad I got to meet you and Adeline! You both have such incredibly special souls. Thank you so much for putting together that Blog site. It really warmed my heart to see those pictures. That picture of Adeline with the "crown" is incredible! I'm glad you two are enjoying your new home in Nebraska. Thank you for sending the address. I can't wait to read more about your journey.

So many blessings,
Tifanie

*Some photos to share

2005-11-06T21:58:00.000-06:00

Summer, 05. Adeline, Katie, Becca & Sasha. . . How beautiful she looked. . .

*Email from Tracy Keatinge...Becca's dear friend and hair person

2005-11-03T23:04:00.000-06:00

Me: Thought of you today while looking at photos of Becca's extensions that you did. I love you. . . Please feel worthy of posting comments, or sending me stories to post. Becca was very fond of you and I would love for you to be a part of the blog....

Tracy: She is the truest friend I've ever had. Your wedding ranks up there with the sacredness of giving birth to my babies. Very, very precious times. Okay, I will....please give my love to Beth and Katie. I remember when I yanked Katie aside to be my hair model for my test. Then I met Beth. They told me about Becca. She was the "cool sister" who lived in New York. An actress and I was so intimidated with the anticipation of meeting her. Beth was already my self proclaimed other mom and I'd have traded both my sisters to be a Howard-Klain sister! When we were introduced she looked straight at me with her deep, kind eyes and I felt she knew me already and that it was all good. I shared my soul with her each time she ever let me do her hair. I am a stronger woman because of all those hours of highlights! There's your story for now. Thank you. You are loved. I've missed you so, so much.

The beautiful Howard-Klain girls.

*Travel. . .

2005-11-02T15:35:00.000-06:00

Saying saying goodbye to Elisha

Saying goodbye to Big O

Pit Stop

DAY ONE.
725 miles. Somewhere in Utah! . . Adeline did well, she sang songs, ate, asked questions, sang, asked questions and then she sang and ate. Our Cat and our fish both hate me.

DAY TWO.
Boulder Colrado. Saying Hello to our very dear friend Robin.

*A going away for now gathering

2005-10-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

Before the move my friends Orville and Kelley Albright had me a bye-for-now party. complete with music booze and friends.... I love you all....

*Some photos to share

2005-10-26T23:23:00.000-05:00

February 2003

*

2005-10-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

*September in Venice. . .

2005-10-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

Our good friend Elisha gave us her appartment for the month. . . We got tattoos, played in the sand, watched a lot of Pee-Wee Herman DVDs and got as comfortable as we were capable.

*Last year at this time

2005-10-23T22:42:00.000-05:00

Becca was recovering from her surgery

*Angel

2005-10-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

This was September 24th. Adeline and I went to our friend Julian’s Birthday party and then to the Feast of San Gennaro, where I discovered that I am terrified of rickety ferris wheels and Adeline is . . . . not.

*I ask myself this a lot

2005-10-23T16:47:00.000-05:00

It helps.

*What's happinin'

2005-10-23T12:47:00.000-05:00

Ok. My intention here is to keep connected to friends and family & let y'all know how our journey progresses. I will share thoughts, stories and photos of Adeline, Becca and myeself. I invite you to do the same.

*GROUNDED?

2005-10-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

We made it this far, thus far.

And I'm gaining a bit of clarity.

A bit.